Monthly Archives: January 2017

Why you should forgive your cheating wife

forgiving my wife cheaterWhy you should forgive your cheating wife

Why you should forgive your cheating wife

Yes, my wife cheated on me with her hairdresser. Yes, that sounds like some kind of sordid cliche that you would see on a cheesy TV drama. No, I was not happy about it. No, I do not get off on that sort of thing. Yes, I did forgive her.

I don’t want to speak for you or tell you what you should personally do because everyone’s situation is different and infidelity happens for a variety of reasons. For instance, my wife and I, had a loving relationship for 15 years. I can still remember when we first met and what it was like to look forward to seeing her on date night. She was wild back then, we both were. She was gorgeous, beautiful, and she always had a swarm of men buzzing around her. She was so graceful the way she managed their attention too. I remember looking at her from across the room completely in awe of the way she could control conversations and get guys to do her bidding.

I wasn’t a bad looking guy myself and had always had luck with the ladies, and I knew with this one who was used to all the male attention, I wouldn’t be able to just go over there and run my normal game. I could neither play it cool nor fawn over her like everyone else was trying to do. It was too typical. I didn’t want to be forgettable, so when we finally started talking, I played it engaged, nervous. Most guys think that’s a sign of weakness, being nervous. But she found it to be quite endearing for whatever reason. We exchanged information and what not, and eventually caught up with one another the week after. Four years later, we were engaged to be married.

Forgiving a cheater

For over a decade we lived the American Dream. We had a boy and a girl, and we were both working decent jobs that we liked. But after I lost my job and started working at another company, things went bad. I was working all the time, I felt stressed, angry, and I was short with everyone around me. I tried to make it work. I became less interested in sex. I was withdrawn, unhappy, and I was making the people around me miserable.

When my wife tried to talk to me about it, I shut her down because I didn’t want to hear it. I was putting a roof over my kids’ heads and I was doing the best I could. What more did she want from me?

After I found out my wife cheated I was of course hurt and angry. I blamed her for everything and I wanted to divorce her immediately. Things with work got even worse and now I was drinking too and living in a hotel. I felt hopeless for the first time in my life. Despite my best efforts everything seemed to be falling apart.

Forgiveness after the affair

I did forgive my wife after I’d had some time alone to think about it. A woman like her thrives under sunlight of an engaged husband and I had turned away from her. While it wasn’t all my fault that she cheated on me, I didn’t listen to her when she tried to tell me how she felt. Neither one of us wanted to get a divorce, and I still loved her. So I quit the job that was draining all my reserves and began working for myself as freelancer, and that had made a big difference in my attitude. I’m bringing in less money, but I have more time for my family.

Why you should forgive your cheating husband

affairs and forgiveness cheatingAffairs and forgiveness

Affairs and forgiveness. Moving on with your life.

My husband cheated. Now what?

After my husband cheated I was not in a good place emotionally. It was difficult to forgive him for what he’d done because of the continually lying and going around behind my back that had happened. I could care less about the other woman or the fact that he wanted to sleep around. I was being lied to so consistently and being told that I was just being crazy and paranoid for so long. Even now, a couple years later I still have difficulty trusting my own instincts or trusting what is plainly obvious and before my eyes.

Not only has this affected me emotionally even beyond the 20 years of marriage that now feel like a complete waste of my life, it has also affected me socially and professionally.

In a very real way my husband was conditioning me to be a doormat. It was a systematic tool he used to that began even before we were married. At first it was rather innocuous. He sounded very convincing, and he was constantly correcting me for seemingly trivial reasons. If I said she was wearing a blue dress to the party, he would say no, she was wearing a red dress. If I said the lights were on then he would say they were off. If I asked him if he was seeing anyone behind my back he would tell me I was just being crazy and paranoid. I came to believe it.

Where he is concerned there will be no forgiveness or consideration. But part of moving on with my life, rebuilding my self-esteem, and establishing warm and giving relationships moving forward is letting go of the resentment I feel after so many years of my life were wasted with a man who clearly had no respect for me at all.

Immediately after the divorce

Forgiving a cheating husband was not something that I ever wanted to have to try and do. I worked with a therapist who was good at trying to get me to trust and forgive myself again. Immediately following the divorce I was alone and broken. I felt like I had no one to turn to and I felt worthless and miserable. I was still working at the grocery store but it was becoming more and more difficult to justify getting out of bed everyday. My depression and anxiety seemed to be controlling my every move. I no longer knew who I was anymore. I decided to leave my job and live off of savings and alimony. I began seeing a therapist and going to support groups.

The first thing that the therapist told me after I had explained my situation was this was not my fault. I couldn’t be sure that she really meant this or if she was just saying that to be nice and help me come to terms with all of this. It was certainly a nice thing to hear but it didn’t seem possible. Who would allow someone to do this to them if they weren’t weak, stupid, and naive? She set me up with a prescription for some medication and we talked through all the damage that kind of psychological manipulation can do to a person. I still felt resentful of myself for allowing this to happen though. I started talking to people in support groups who had gone through the same thing and it excited something within me I had forgotten was there: the desire to protect others. I told them the same thing that I had been told: this wasn’t your fault, and when I said that, I had already begun to believe it.