Tips for divorce after an affair
If you’re really looking to screw over your spouse after they cheated on you then take a click on the link to the other article. This article is more for spouses whose marriages have sort of run their course and now they’re looking to move on with their lives and start a new chapter.
Divorce after infidelity
The trick to ending a marriage amicably after an affair is communicating with the spouse about your needs for a relationship and how you don’t feel the same way about the marriage as you did in the beginning. While this information is difficult to hear, you really don’t want to be running around behind their back, organizing clandestine encounters, and confabulating elaborate lies. The aforementioned tactics are the things that hurt the most, so if you want to separate amicably then none of those things are going to be the kind of stuff that you want to do.
A lot of times what happens in marriages is that the flame burns brightly at the beginning, you have a few kids, and by the end of it all you’re wondering where the years went. The kids are off at college or starting lives of their own and you’re stuck in the house with the same person you’ve been stuck in the same house with for over 20 years. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with this. You’ve had a good run together, raised some beautiful children, and now you want to go your separate ways and start a new chapter and see what else life has to offer.
Tips for getting an amicable divorce
Don’t let the lawyers run the show
Even though both parties are going to need to get a lawyer, you don’t want the lawyer running the show. Why? Because lawyers work for money and the larger the settlement that they can arrange for you and the more billable hours that they can accrue translate into more money for them. So, basically, they have a vested interest in prolonging the divorce for as long as possible and making it as senselessly ugly as they can.
You’re going to want to keep them in check, because if you don’t they’re going to drag your ex’s name through the mud and make the situation about a million times worse. The key to all this is that even though you’re no longer in love, you still must remember that you respect one another, even if they cheated on you, or you on them.
So it’s not just about how to get the divorce, it’s how to get an amicable divorce.
Don’t put the kids in the middle
Kids have a tendency to moralize on their parents because their parents have spent a lifetime teaching them morals, and frankly, that’s annoying. So the kids are going to want to side with you, or whoever was cheated on, and say that parent is bad, amoral, and should have never done that to you. You’re going to want to make certain that they know that the marriage was over well before the infidelity and that you don’t harbor any grudges toward the ex for trying to get something out of a relationship that they weren’t getting from your relationship. Now that you’re divorced you’re going to be out there doing the same thing, so it’s unfair for them treat your ex like that.
Divorce tips after infidelity
If you’re at the point where you just can’t stand them anymore and you really want your marriage to be over following an affair then divorce may be your best option. Even in places with no-fault divorce there are going to be several actions you want to initiate as soon as you’ve made your decision. The fact the divorce is in direct response to an affair can work to your advantage legally. So here is what you should do.
Tips for getting a divorce after an affair
If cheating was the major motivating factor for getting the divorce then these steps are going to be crucial in getting a favorable outcome.
Hire a lawyer
The first thing you’re going to need to do is hire a lawyer. In fact, you’re going to want to talk to several even before you make your intentions known to your spouse. You’re in fact going to want to find all of the divorce lawyers you can and give each of them a call. Why? Because once you’ve spoken to these lawyers concerning your divorce they cannot be hired by your ex as it would be a conflict of interest for the lawyer. In other words, your ex will not be able to themselves hire any lawyer that you yourself have spoken with concerning the divorce. So the more lawyers you speak with, the less options they have available to them.
Find out what your spouse earns annually
You’re going to want to present this information to your lawyer and your spouse may have a vested interest in hiding income from you as you are going through the divorce. So find a pay stub, tax return, or get a bank statement that tracks deposits going back at least a year and you should be good.
Make photocopies of everything and present those to the lawyer you choose to have handle your case. You should do all of this before you announce your plans to divorce your husband or wife and if you’ve discovered that they have been unfaithful to you then you should forestall telling them that you’re aware of the infidelity for as long as humanly possible so that they aren’t suspicious of your collecting of information.
Keep a record of non-liquid assets
Anything that is valuable enough should be appraised and that information should be collected and given to the lawyer. The house, the cars, jewelry, literally anything with a dollar amount attached to it can be leverages during the divorce.
Figure out how much it costs to run your household
Again, this will take time, but it’s important that you don’t fly off the handle immediately after learning about the affair. You want to bide your time, and if you really want to stick it to the cheating spouse, you’re going to have to collect a lot of information.
During this period you’re going to want to save as much money as possible and store it away. You also will want to withdraw money from your bank and drain any personal account you might have.
Divorce after an affair
If these tactics sound harsh it’s because they are. This is hardball, so if you want to end the marriage amicably after the affair, then this isn’t going to be valuable information for you, but if you’ve had enough with the BS and want to stick it to the spouse, you’re going to want to take these steps and bide your time.
Should I divorce after the affair?
Divorce after Infidelity
While the answer to this question is entirely circumstantial you consider a few things about divorce and the reasons why people get divorced.
Most marriages are over long before the divorce is finalized. Relationships that you once centered your entire life around slowly lose the flame that once sustained them. Marriages that were once passionate and loving, become tedious, dull, and perfunctory. What’s worse is that we mourn their passing even as we wake up in the same bed with one another. We can see that bond fading and we lack the energy or inclination to make it happen. Relationships themselves have a life. And lives have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Not all relationships were meant to last forever, and this is as true of marriages as it is of any other kind of relationship.
Should you divorce after the affair
So if you’re asking yourself if you should divorce after an affair has happened you need to think back to the preceding paragraph. Was your marriage fading? Was the spark that once tied the two of you together now too dim to sustain the effort to make it work? Or did something else happen. Did you grow apart because of life complications. Did work take you away from one another. Were you at a particularly vulnerable time in your life or were they at a particularly vulnerable point in theirs?
People don’t talk about midlife crises as if they’re real things, but so many marriages nowadays do not survive the point at which the kids have moved out and are all off to college or establishing lives for themselves. Husbands and wives at this point often end up looking outside the marriage for stimulation, and it really is stimulation that they’re after. They’ve just spent 20 years or more being responsible adults, holding down jobs, and raising however many kids. Now is their time to get back out there and have some fun. So once the kids are gone, the illusion that a married life is for them simply fades away, and so many times that ends up culminating in divorce.
Divorce after infidelity should be seriously considered, but it shouldn’t be the only reason for the divorce. Nowadays, cheating doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is over. The marriage being over generally results in cheating. So spouses make the decision to cheat based on the fact that their relationship has run its course and there’s nothing left to share with the other person.
Religious beliefs on the subject notwithstanding, there is nothing really wrong with this. Most couples can remain cordial after the divorce and even behave nicely toward one another at family gatherings. If novelty is what they’re looking for, but you don’t have the same needs where new stimulation is concerned, then that’s where the problems and hurt feelings come into play. More often than not the fading of the relationship is recognized by both parties in advance and the decision to vacate the marriage is more or less mutual.
The key to sustaining a good relationship with the ex after the marriage is over is openly discussing your feelings with them and being honest about your needs. So if you’re thinking about running around behind their back and elaborately lying, then you’re not going about any of this the right way.
Why you should forgive your cheating wife
Yes, my wife cheated on me with her hairdresser. Yes, that sounds like some kind of sordid cliche that you would see on a cheesy TV drama. No, I was not happy about it. No, I do not get off on that sort of thing. Yes, I did forgive her.
I don’t want to speak for you or tell you what you should personally do because everyone’s situation is different and infidelity happens for a variety of reasons. For instance, my wife and I, had a loving relationship for 15 years. I can still remember when we first met and what it was like to look forward to seeing her on date night. She was wild back then, we both were. She was gorgeous, beautiful, and she always had a swarm of men buzzing around her. She was so graceful the way she managed their attention too. I remember looking at her from across the room completely in awe of the way she could control conversations and get guys to do her bidding.
I wasn’t a bad looking guy myself and had always had luck with the ladies, and I knew with this one who was used to all the male attention, I wouldn’t be able to just go over there and run my normal game. I could neither play it cool nor fawn over her like everyone else was trying to do. It was too typical. I didn’t want to be forgettable, so when we finally started talking, I played it engaged, nervous. Most guys think that’s a sign of weakness, being nervous. But she found it to be quite endearing for whatever reason. We exchanged information and what not, and eventually caught up with one another the week after. Four years later, we were engaged to be married.
Forgiving a cheater
For over a decade we lived the American Dream. We had a boy and a girl, and we were both working decent jobs that we liked. But after I lost my job and started working at another company, things went bad. I was working all the time, I felt stressed, angry, and I was short with everyone around me. I tried to make it work. I became less interested in sex. I was withdrawn, unhappy, and I was making the people around me miserable.
When my wife tried to talk to me about it, I shut her down because I didn’t want to hear it. I was putting a roof over my kids’ heads and I was doing the best I could. What more did she want from me?
After I found out my wife cheated I was of course hurt and angry. I blamed her for everything and I wanted to divorce her immediately. Things with work got even worse and now I was drinking too and living in a hotel. I felt hopeless for the first time in my life. Despite my best efforts everything seemed to be falling apart.
Forgiveness after the affair
I did forgive my wife after I’d had some time alone to think about it. A woman like her thrives under sunlight of an engaged husband and I had turned away from her. While it wasn’t all my fault that she cheated on me, I didn’t listen to her when she tried to tell me how she felt. Neither one of us wanted to get a divorce, and I still loved her. So I quit the job that was draining all my reserves and began working for myself as freelancer, and that had made a big difference in my attitude. I’m bringing in less money, but I have more time for my family.
Affairs and forgiveness. Moving on with your life.
My husband cheated. Now what?
After my husband cheated I was not in a good place emotionally. It was difficult to forgive him for what he’d done because of the continually lying and going around behind my back that had happened. I could care less about the other woman or the fact that he wanted to sleep around. I was being lied to so consistently and being told that I was just being crazy and paranoid for so long. Even now, a couple years later I still have difficulty trusting my own instincts or trusting what is plainly obvious and before my eyes.
Not only has this affected me emotionally even beyond the 20 years of marriage that now feel like a complete waste of my life, it has also affected me socially and professionally.
In a very real way my husband was conditioning me to be a doormat. It was a systematic tool he used to that began even before we were married. At first it was rather innocuous. He sounded very convincing, and he was constantly correcting me for seemingly trivial reasons. If I said she was wearing a blue dress to the party, he would say no, she was wearing a red dress. If I said the lights were on then he would say they were off. If I asked him if he was seeing anyone behind my back he would tell me I was just being crazy and paranoid. I came to believe it.
Where he is concerned there will be no forgiveness or consideration. But part of moving on with my life, rebuilding my self-esteem, and establishing warm and giving relationships moving forward is letting go of the resentment I feel after so many years of my life were wasted with a man who clearly had no respect for me at all.
Immediately after the divorce
Forgiving a cheating husband was not something that I ever wanted to have to try and do. I worked with a therapist who was good at trying to get me to trust and forgive myself again. Immediately following the divorce I was alone and broken. I felt like I had no one to turn to and I felt worthless and miserable. I was still working at the grocery store but it was becoming more and more difficult to justify getting out of bed everyday. My depression and anxiety seemed to be controlling my every move. I no longer knew who I was anymore. I decided to leave my job and live off of savings and alimony. I began seeing a therapist and going to support groups.
The first thing that the therapist told me after I had explained my situation was this was not my fault. I couldn’t be sure that she really meant this or if she was just saying that to be nice and help me come to terms with all of this. It was certainly a nice thing to hear but it didn’t seem possible. Who would allow someone to do this to them if they weren’t weak, stupid, and naive? She set me up with a prescription for some medication and we talked through all the damage that kind of psychological manipulation can do to a person. I still felt resentful of myself for allowing this to happen though. I started talking to people in support groups who had gone through the same thing and it excited something within me I had forgotten was there: the desire to protect others. I told them the same thing that I had been told: this wasn’t your fault, and when I said that, I had already begun to believe it.